How do I get to enjoy holiday parties, drink, eat and be merry without gaining weight?
Packs On Pounds
Here are a few options for you, POP:
|Instead of a toothbrush or a finger.|
Option three is inspired by Michael, who is famously cheap. Instead of buying groceries or spending money on food, Michael subsists on PBRs and tap-water, eating only when he's invited to parties. You should see him clean out a guacamole bowl, even I find it impressive. So the other option is to basically starve yourself and only eat when you attend parties. Michael seems to think it saves money, but it's costing him friends who notice that he doesn't bring wine or anything to share. So don't forget to bring something. I recommend a jello mold.
What is the best way to disinvite someone from a party?
Cornered And Forced To Invite a Douche
Thanks for letting me tackle your etiquette question, CAFTID. Usually Michael answers these, but I'm guessing I'll have better advice for you. I have to first advise you that you are not the brightest bulb in the box since you have already invited this person. I would really rather be answering the question "how do I avoid stupidly giving out an invitation to someone I don't want at my party." That's easy: just say no.
Given that you have already made a terrible mistake, it's important to determine exactly why you don't want this person at your party. Do you hate this person's guts and pretend to be their friend in person? Will their presence cause an awkward social situation, like getting two exes together? Or do they simply, literally stink. There's no one way to disinvite someone, each situation has it's own nuance, but here are some simple guidelines:
2) Make excuses. "My studio can't fit more than four people at a time, I'm so sorry." "I'm so daft, I miscounted and only ordered enough catering for 250 people and unfortunately you're number 251, next time, hun?" "Oh, didn't you hear? We had the cancel the party because my dog got crabs." "I just can't help that the elevator capacity is too low for you to ride up." As with any good lying, cover your tracks and make sure no one gives you away on Facebook.
3) Have someone else break the news. Find a naturally aggressive friend who loves the look of disappointment on peoples' faces. If you don't have such a friend, try to find someone willing to file a restraining order on your unwanted invitee, or invite someone who already has a restraining order against them. This is a perfect situation because you don't end up looking like a total dick.
4) Move the party. A last-minute change in venue can work, however you mustn't let anyone find out until the last minute. This is a risky move, especially if the object of your avoidance is getting a ride with other guests. In that case, you'll have to sacrifice those other guests, too.
5) Cancel. Start over, and don't make the same mistake again, CAFID!
Submit your food and drink related questions to Sanchez (firstname.lastname@example.org) and all of your modern etiquette questions to Michael (email@example.com).