Make this, but follow the instructions carefully...

The Perfect Grilled Cheese

Best made one-at-a-time for the home cook and eaten immediately. If you are trying to impress someone with your handle on things you ate when you were 6, consider setting up a station with two or more skillets. Avoid panini presses at all costs because our parents never intended to feed us ten dollar sandwiches. The simple secret to the perfect grilled cheese is the application of heat to all bread surfaces.

Sliced sourdough bread, 3/4 to 1 inch

Gruyere

White American cheddar

Herbed chevre

Butter at room temperature

Salt

Pepper

Garlic cloves

Olive oil

Ironic t-shirt

Jeans that cost more than you pay for rent

Put on the clothes because those sweat pants you were wearing since you woke up at noon will not do. Warm a stainless steel skillet. Medium low or "3" seems to be the ideal setting on my hot plate. Butter both slices of sourdough bread on each side. Be generous. Apply just a touch of olive oil to the pan to prevent your sandwich from toasting too quickly. Your buttered pieces go down and get a nice crust, 90 seconds to 2 minutes. Remember that you are only toasting the inside of your sandwich so you are not perfecting the overall beauty, you are just enhancing taste and texture.

Congratulations! You have perfectly toasted the inside of your sandwich. It's time to start thinking about cheese. Think about how much you would slice gruyere and white cheddar for any other sandwich, then double it. Spread the chevre on one toasted surface and stack your cheeses. Add salt and pepper. Proceed with toasting the outer surface of your sandwich open-faced.

While you wait for the outer surface of your sandwich to transform into golden brown goodness, talk to your friend (and if your friend is not near by, call him on your iPhone) about Craft american singles and Wonder Bread. Mention Campbell's tomato soup as you warm something called "organic tomato tarragon bisque." Be sure to have a conversation for no longer than 3 minutes, otherwise your sandwich will burn.

Close your sandwich like a good book. Once your sandwich has cooled for a moment, halve a garlic clove and rub the exposed side on the exterior surfaces. You're ready to eat.

Consider enjoying your sandwich with cornichons. Drink a PBR. Even though you don't have a job, plan on moving to Williamsburg.

blogger calls food & wine out for calling a spade a clover

An open letter to Food & Wine

To editor:

Since you do not publish letters to the editor, I thought I would use this forum to make a simple albeit impassioned clarification. A grilled cheese sandwich requires two elements being, in order of import, cheese & bread. Other things certainly come in to play such as what bread, what cheese, and other important additions. Namely butter.

You got these elements right. Almost. Thank you, Food & Wine, for including lots and lots of butter in your April 2011 recipe for "The New American Grilled Cheese." You also called for extra-sharp cheddar (a great melter), monterey jack (a great counterpoint) and sourdough bread. The directions are spot on. These are the three things that make a great sandwich, a classic. These ingredients aren't a secret, but the perfect combination makes for just that: perfection.

So how is it New American, F&W? I'm not going to even start to try to begin to define New American, but this is a rustic recipe. Period.

And then there's the real point of confusion: andouille sausage? I don't mean to say it's a garnish or a fat component in the pan, F&W published a recipe for the New American Grilled Cheese with sausage. They meant to say "The New American Sausage Sandwich with Cheese." Get it right.

Importantly, it is not to say that I would not eat this sandwich. The saturated fat content must be through the roof therefore I want it all the time. Just don't mess with my grilled cheese. I need it.