Friday, August 19, 2011

other rating systems

I have never been the the Chili's in Los Banos, California, so I don't know who to trust. Should I trust Pablo C. who reviews, "This place is awesome I go there on a regular love the food and drinks. Great service and friendly waiters."? Or is it the insightful criticism from Mia K. I should be heeding when she writes, "Nothing impressive here, just your regular Chili's. Drinks are alright, food is okay. As always, there is plenty left over to take home. The awesome blossom didn't seem too awesome at this location though, it was a little more oily than usual. The place was pretty empty for a Saturday night, yet the service was still a little slow. Probably not coming back."?

Or take ratings for the Alhambra, CA Applebee's. Vanessa L. chimes in, "I'd go with the Spinach & Artichoke Dip and Classic BBQ Wings. From what I see the cheeseburger sliders, mozzarella sticks, etc are pretty good, too! I'd only come for happy hour because it's the best!" Hard to believe, Vanessa, since right before your comment Amelia J. bemoans, "idk, i didn't really like it, and i will definitely not be going back." What to do, really? Who to trust?

I will be writing impassioned letters to yelp.com over the upcoming weeks to enlist the S.S.S. (Sanchez Star System) because, really, isn't it all mostly offensive?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

crywich


Felling depressed? Low?

Perhaps it's too early in the day for a drink or the pharmacy won't be open until Monday. It's no problem with a crywich. I recently broke my Margaritaville® margarita maker, so I sought out a sandwich and proceeded to cry.

A crywich isn't simple. There are some very important rules you must follow to find the perfect crywich. First of all, you can't just eat your favorite sandwich. If a crywich was that simple, I would have been eating ham and swiss on a baguette with butter and mustard in no time. You must avoid favorites in exchange for second-tier sandwich fixings. Instead of ham, for instance, I might have roast beef. That baguette? Multigrain sliced bread. Mustard and butter? No. Mayonaise. I don't dislike any of these substitutes, but they are not my favorites.

Certain elements are always appropriate for a crywich since they are solitarily depressing: hard-boiled eggs, Wonderbread, sweet pickles, American cheese singles, iceberg lettuce and "creamy" horseradish. Again, there's nothing inherently bad about any of these foods. In fact I love them all. The fact is that they are the red-headed step-cousins of more delicious substitutes. Choose at least one of these items for the perfect crywich.

A crywich is a cry-aid. Beyond whatever trauma you are experiencing at the moment (you ran out of gin or they cancelled the TV program you just caught up to on Netflix), a crywich is intended to make you think, "God! this sandwich makes me want to cry even more." Take a bite carefully because eating while crying can be dangerous, though you probably won't care. Just remember that a crywich is usually a suitable alternative to heroine.

Photo credit Cat at bigfoodfan.blogspot.com