Wednesday, July 13, 2011

sanchez star system

I will begin employing a three-star rating system for everything. Whether I have dinner at your house, get Afghani cuisine off a truck or microwave some Hot Pockets®, you can refer to this simple, easy-to follow guide. If you have a food, recipe, restaurant, food publication, celebrity chef or other food-related item you would like to have rated, please comment or e-mail thesanchezlsanchez@gmail.com.

One Star



This blows. Not only do I hate it, but I'm sure you will too. Root canals and Miley Cyrus concerts are preferable to one-star rated items. After assigning a one-star rating, I will think to myself, "Sanchez, why in the hell did you put that in your mouth?" or, "how completely wasted were you?" One star will not apply to items that do not match my taste level, rather it will apply to something universally bad. So for instance, being robbed by a hooker could be considered a one-star situation whereas belut, the fertilized duck egg popular in parts of Asia (from which I have almost vomited), would not qualify for one star since, well, someone likes it. Most of the one-star foods that come to mind came out of my own kitchen, though I'm not usually cruel enough to share these regrettable creations with anyone.


Two Stars


This offends me. It's not that I won't try it again, or even a lot, but my feeling about a two-star item is that there is something offensive about its existence. The perfect example of a two-star food is the frozen microwavable taquito. I'll be goddamned if I don't keep coming back to this item time and time again, but its irresistibility combined with its overall badness makes it offensive. (You can elevate the frozen microwavable taquito to three stars by preparing it in a deep frier, though this is true of most two-star foods.) Fast-food chains categorically qualify as two-star affairs as do hospital cafeterias, places where children are openly welcomed and establishments that do not serve alcohol. My appreciation for all things two-star should be shining through to you if you read this blog.

Three Stars


This does not offend me. The highest praise I can give, three stars mean that I can't find anything about this item that offends me. An otherwise delicious sandwich, grilled in butter with sourdough, cheese and sausage is not offensive unless you try to call it The New American Grilled Cheese. The proper application of butter or mayonaise can be the difference between two- and three-star ratings. Since, however, I am easily offended, three-star ratings are very rare.

Categories

I will also assign stars for relevant categories which may or may not apply in all circumstances. The most important categories are as follows:

Service: was your waiter sober, drunk or trashed (two, three and one star, respectively)?
Appearance: Did your frozen microwave burrito explode, stay intact, or thaw unevenly (two, three and one star, respectively)?
Tastiness: Did your hot dog taste like something, nothing or like shoe leather (Three, two and one star, respectively)?
Condiments: Did the restaurant provide only salt and pepper, many condiments by request, or have a full-on 60-item condiment buffet (one, two and three stars, respectively)?

Do yourself a favor and test out the S.S.S. tonight at dinner. You will see just how many offensive things litter otherwise enjoyable meals. Good luck!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

a worthy opponent


I do not recommend trying to cook while drunk, but this sure makes it seem like fun!

I think we could be friends except that bottle did indeed not contain Champagne. Just saying.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

america's favorite past time: overeating


There is a cult following for many foods, from the obscure to the ubiquitous. My cult celebrates our enjoyment for its foods on July 4th, US Independence Day. This is a day devoted to the appreciation of American foods without any complications or arguments about what constitutes "American." On this day the themes are specific and narrow: protein with pastry (hamburger, hot dog and corn dog), frozen dessert (popsicle, ice cream, shaved ice), salad featuring mayonaise and/or mustard (potato salad, macaroni salad), condiment (catsup, yellow mustard, mayonaise), fruit (watermelon) and vegetable (corn-on-the-cob). Other categories of dessert vary by region.

My day started at the community festival in the park.

I celebrated quite well on the 4th this year by starting early. Ate two bacon-wrapped hot dogs covered in grilled onions and peppers at 10:30 in the morning. These were huge hot dogs, so I had to use a method to get through them. I call this method the "Stuff it like Sanchez Method." While the result is speed, the desired outcome is large amounts consumed. The idea is that you pack it in quickly before you feel the discomfort of fullness, and there may indeed be nothing more American than that! Be focused; set a goal or better yet, start a timer. It will take your body 10-15 minutes to register that you have eaten too much, so set a timer at around 9 minutes tops, but to perfect this method challenge yourself to a 5-minute goal. I finished these very large, bacon-wrapped dogs, piled high with condiments in about four minutes.
Shortly after, I had an impossibly sweet 32oz. lemonade. I listened to a band play Souza marches intermingled with Lady Gaga's Pokerface and themes from George Lucas films. I imagined myself suddenly becoming so obese as to need an electric scooter to get from the Tea Party booth to the Park Manor Rehab balloon stand. I imagined having to keep track of a half dozen children who each want one of the six dozen distractions. I imagined being very old. I became the crowd.

After a long nap I had a huge burger with American cheese. I drank lots of beer until I could no longer stand. It was a great day.

Friday, July 1, 2011

the vegans are attacking


Hide your vegetables and soy-based meat substitutes, the vegans are attacking! Their weapons, judging looks and indignant comments like "Yeah, so I'm vegan." Lucky for you, they are not very well organized and tire easily for lack of calories.
Michael has several close friends who are practicing vegans. Generally, I enjoy their company because I never accept their invitations to dinner. When they stand next to Michael they make him look fat, which is funny. They know their way around obscure, delicious vegetables and often have pleasant-smelling breath. Here is a story about one of these vegans:
Cheap Date

If it was not for the plant-based nature of distilled, brewed and fermented beverages perhaps I would never have the chance to meet a vegan. I'd point to someone walking by, and I'd say, "Is that a vegan?" and someone would politely correct me, "Sanchez, I think she is a meth addict." My mistake. Luckily, alcoholic beverages are not distilled from beef (the very idea is untenable) and vegans seem happy to drink with me. Michael and I were drinking one night with our vegan friend Bradley. Bradley made the decision to go vegan years ago when he read some book he never stops talking about. We realized that we hadn't eaten, and a few friends ushered us into a nearby Italian restaurant. We promptly ordered more wine. Michael and I shared a carpaccio, pasta and something else. I can't remember. Michael and I were really digging the carpaccio and offered Bradley a bite. He declined my offer until I offered to pay for his dinner if he took one bite. Perhaps every vegan has a price, but that bite of carpaccio makes Bradley a cheap date.


Thank you to our friends at The Garden Vegan Cafe in Walla Walla for the unexpectedly delicious lunch. We wish you great success even though I'll still go across the street for my favorite pulled pork sandwich. Just being honest.