chili cheese dogs

So if you want to pick up someone, I don't recommend this tactic. The picker-up, a portly man of about 40 with thick glasses and an incurable lisp tried to pick up on my friend, who recently went to jail. This is how it went:

P.M.: Hey! How are you doing? Have we met? I'm Orlando.

Friend: We've met several times.

P.M.: You're looking good! Have you been working out?

(P.M. squeezes Friend's arm.)

Friend: No. I haven't.

P.M.: You haven't? Well have you been eating chili cheese dogs?

Friend: Um, no.

P.M.: Have you tried the chili cheese dogs at 7-11?

Friend: No.

P.M.: You haven't? They're my favorite chili cheese dogs! You should try them!

Friend: Okay.

P.M.: Call me some time and we'll go get chili cheese dogs at 7-11, okay? High five.

(The conversation ends awkwardly. Friend makes an excuse about needing a drink, which was probably the case.)

something fishy

Michael devoted previous posts to fish, but I feel compelled to continue the conversation. Please excuse the excessive use of simile in this post. Send your questions, comments or concerns to thesanchezlsanchez@gmail.com or stinking comment.

Fish is food. You can eat fish. Like the banana, which tastes banana-y, fish is fishy. Perhaps fishy is a poor term, since it has the unfortunate existence as a euphemism for something untrustworthy, but I stand by this statement: fish is fishy. Perhaps it's important to distinguish between good fishy and bad fishy. One is delicious and the other is suspicious. I'll let you guess which one is which.

I have heard many versions of this question, but here are two samples:

"I don't usually like fish. Do you think I will like this (insert fish dish)?"

"I don't like fish. Would you recommend the (insert fish dish)?"

It's like trying to find out the best way to kill yourself if you aren't suicidal. My response rarely goes beyond this:

"The (insert fish dish) is lovely. Perhaps you'd prefer the steak. Medium well?"

It's like trying to walk into a bear cave when you know you do not like getting mauled by bears. It's like asking someone to play your favorite song, but specifying that it should only be played at a low volume while somebody screams.

A rundown on the person who orders this way: not being sexist or racist, but she is a white woman of any age under, let's call it sixty. Her friends are foodies or are people who enjoy eating in nice restaurants. Everyone around her raves about how this or that is so great!, like the bouillabaisse or the brodetto or the (insert fish dish), and she feels left out for the lack of maturity or whatever-it-takes to like fish. She has had one or two great experiences with seafood, but it was not fish. It was most likely un-offensive shellfish like farm-raised shrimp or lobster (lots of butter!) or crab legs. Put the word "scampi" after anything she did like and you've got the right idea. Even when the (insert fish dish) is something as approachable and not-fish-like as fish can be such as halibut, I am still hesitant to serve her anything other than the steak.

I'm out of words to describe it, so I will quote another food writer, A. J. Liebling from Between Meals:

The reason that people who detest fish often tolerate sole is that sole doesn't taste very much like fish [...] They prefer processed cheese because it isn't cheesy, and synthetic vanilla because it isn't vanillary. They have made a triumph of the Delicious apple because it doesn't taste like an apple, and of the Golden Delicious because it doesn't taste like anything.

Conclusion: don't be afraid of taste, and more so, please don't require someone to recommend something you think you will not like. This is a requirement for the home cook, not for the food service professional, your very own drunk waiter.

a reason to sleep on the floor

I woke up on the floor this morning, under the dining room table. Don't worry, I was quite comfortable. The reason? I was making carnitas.

Start with an impossibly large pork shoulder (ten lbs. should do) and an even more impossibly large cast iron lidded vessel. (I stole mine from a rich person, between my legs and down some stairs. Try that!) Salt the "pork"out of it. It is best to start at room temp, but the huge shoulder I had was standing on it's last arm, so-to-speak, since it had been in my refrigerator thawing [read: forgotten about] for well over a week. Start at 1am. For the first hour, bake it with the fattiest side down at a nice high temperature like 450. After the hour is over you will begin to smell pork. If you don't smell pork, turn on the oven and start over, silly! If you were successful, turn your shoulder over and turn down the oven. Keep that oinker covered! Bake at 300 for 5 or 6 hours, or until someone wakes you up, or you start having back spasms from sleeping on the floor. The most important thing, beyond proper salting, is to sleep on the floor next to the oven. This is how I imagine everyone from my natal food legacy did it and so should I, and so should you. If something smells burn-y or the room fills with smoke or the house catches on fire, you have overslept. Run for your life. Otherwise, you have made carnitas. To check, poke a fork at your pork shoulder, which should shred easily. When you take your first poke and realize that you have "pulled" your pork, keep going. Don't slice or dice or cut. Pull!

Get some friends together and eat your carnitas with hands and mouths and teeth. Or, for bonus points, fill a warm corn tortilla with queso, crema, carnitas and pico de gallo, squeeze a lime over, and you will have a lovely carnitas taco. Carnitas are also perfect next to eggs (like bacon), on a sandwich (like bacon) or in pasta dishes (like bacon). If you intend to enjoy this great and versatile food with barbecue sauce, omit the step where you sleep on the floor.

biscuits!

Thanks to the folks at Pine State Biscuits for the lovely breakfast! The joy in my heart could not be contained in prose, so for your consideration:

ode to biscuits

S. L. Sanchez

June 13, 2011

Biscuits!

On bus or in train, at home or on Main

your flaky bites fill up my soul.

Slathered with gravy, some jam or just maybe

warm butter which covers the whole.

Neither bread nor a cake (but not hard to make!)

biscuits are really unique.

When you want something quickly that needn't be tricky,

biscuits are what you should seek.

Start by warming the oven, get ready for loving

with flour, some milk and the rest.

Cut round, square or long, you can never go wrong

'cause biscuits are really the best!

You can find biscuits all places, all countries and spaces

but please do not search like a rookie:

A warning for you, it's painful but true

in England they'll give you a cookie.

breakfast in jail

Have you ever wanted to have an exciting meal in a place you've never been, meeting exciting new people and enjoying a foreign service style? Go no farther than to jail! Just have a few drinks and drive 7 over in a 30 and you'll get the attention you deserve to get this meal.

Of course this dining experience is not for the weak-at-heart. You must have a strong constitution, but I've found that the same constitution is required when eating from certain vehicle-truck-food outlets or any manner of "fast food" establishments. Or when you are not certain that the cheese or the bread are fit for the sandwich you make at 2:30am but you eat it anyway.

The point is, you'll have an unexpected experience when you have breakfast in jail. If you plan to have this meal soon, remember one thing: hold on to your cup because they only give you one, otherwise you'll have to grab one out of the trash or trade sexual favors for the privilege of the use of someone else's. I can assure you that digging one out from the trash is much better.

So this is what you get, served in a modified elementary school compartmentalized tray: cold toast (lightly buttered), puffed rice cereal, an apple, milk, coffee (if you have your cup) and juice. Whenever I lament that I have allergies and can only eat the apple, I am glad that I am not in jail. Apparently, the young men who occupy the jail in the morning enjoy going without shirts. My friend, who recently had this experience, only drank the milk and ate the apple. He tried to get some sleep after that but I'm sure he kept one eye open at all times. Or two.

People go to jail. You or I might go there tomorrow. I prefer a life where I choose what to eat, but then again, there are meals that surprise us.

on dining alone

Make it a point to take yourself out for dinner. Don't approach it as a depressing or lonely experience, it will be a meal where you are in control, where you may order seconds and where you can catch up on some reading. It will only be depressing if you choose to dine at the Chili's in the parking lot of the hotel where you are staying on business. Thanks to Tom Chiarella for the inspiration (How to Drink Alone from Esquire, May 2008).

Drawing: Josh Cochran

Choose an intimate restaurant. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate, but it should be a setting which discourages children. If there is a TV there, it should not be on. Go somewhere you would take an old friend, and avoid romantic, date-oriented settings. I like dimly lit settings, though if you plan on reading, make sure you have the ability to read without additional aids like book- or flashlights. These are tacky and distracting to other diners.

Sit at the bar. Taking up a table where two or more could sit is irresponsible. Servers, hosts and bussers will not make the mistake of asking if you are expecting a guest, and it is somewhat more likely that your beverages will always be filled. A communal table setting will suffice, but only acknowledge your stranger-diner companions politely and disinterestedly. You are not there to be asked to dinner, you have taken yourself to dinner.

Pick a good time to show up. Earlier is always nice if you can stand to eat at 5 or 6, otherwise don't consider dining before 8:30 when dining alone. Earlier, you increase your risk of being somewhat ignored.

A book is an acceptable distraction. Magazines and newspapers will work, too. Just make sure that your reading material will fit discreetly next to your plate so that you can read efficiently between bites. All electronic devices should be off the table and left away. Do not text or take a phone call, nor should you wear earphones. Hopefully you have chosen a location with a pleasant enough atmosphere, not needing to block it out. Anyway, you might accidentally ignore your server when they inquire about more wine.

Enjoy a cocktail before dinner, preferably gin, whiskey or vodka based, served on the rocks. Don't nurse this drink since you're here to eat.

Kindly acknowledge any acquaintances with spare words and promise to get in touch with them another time. Follow up on your promise. If you get invited to join a table and you cannot refuse, accept only if you will be a fourth or sixth. Joining as a second, third or fifth will result in forced conversation, or the more awkward fate of the third or fifth wheel. Joining an already large party as the seventh, eighth, etc. will turn into a long, arduous ordeal, and paying the bill becomes spectacularly difficult. I prefer in all circumstances to say that I am really caught up in my book or report that I am in a hurry. If you do say that you are in a hurry, have one course, leave, and have additional courses elsewhere.

Have a bottle of wine. Do not order a half bottle or a carafe or by-the-glass. You don't have to finish it, but it's no shame if you do. Just be sure not to get too drunk since it could precipitate long conversations with your neighbors or cause you to receive too much attention from your server out of concern. Use the wine selection as an opportunity to gain trust in your server by asking for an ideal pairing.

Beer is a great alternative, but pick something with some weight to it like a porter or IPA. Never order a beer which requires fruit of any kind.

Order three or more courses, it should be way too much food but eat it anyway. Treat the menu democratically and assume that every item is a reasonable portion size such that you could eat two. You might have a traditional three course, appetizer, salad and entree, but think outside the box and consider three appetizers and an entree, or two salads and an entree. In any case, always order an entree. You are there to dine, not to snack or sample. You may have just two courses if they are both entrees.

Practice good table manners. It is a good opportunity to be civilized without having to be too serious. A sloppy solo diner draws attention to himself which is the opposite goal of a meal alone. Also, you risk losing the respect of your server, the second most important person at dinner alone.

Enjoy coffee or maybe some dessert wine after dinner, but dessert alone is slightly unsettling. You are not out to congratulate yourself for anything so don't reward yourself with dessert. If the desserts at the place you choose are too tempting, take one to go.

Tip heavy. Even if your service was basic or acceptable, it was kind of your server to accommodate the specialized needs of the solo diner. When you come back your experience might come to improve and eventually the servers will actively make sure that nothing comes between you and your night out alone.

Make it a weekly or monthly thing. You will build a rapport with the establishment and enjoy the perks of being a regular. The perks vary from place to place, but I expect you'll enjoy them.