inspiration: black friday cooking

This is a video from this morning's mayhem rightly surrounding a $2.00 waffle iron offered by a Wal-Mart in Little Rock, Arkansas. The clamber! The excitement! The enthusiasm! These shopping mavens must really like waffles as much as I do. Sanchez and I are off-site this holiday in something much more luxurious than the Sanchez Test Kitchen so we decided to use the inspirational fervor of these crafty consumers to offer this recipe. Also, we'll leave the mess for the true occupants.

Mini-Riot Blackened Friday Waffles

This recipe will feed everyone who doesn't get in your way. Preheat your waffle iron over medium-low heat so that if anyone does get in your way, they will get a waffle-patterened impression on their face which might dissuade them from coming between you and your waffle again. It's useful to have an accomplice/cart-opperator/shover/consumer artist with strong knees and elbows, though if you are confident and hungry, you can do this yourself.

• 1 dozen eggs plus any additional egg cartons (regardless of content) you can carry under your arms
• 1 bag flour, hastily chosen
• Baking soda
• Anything else you can grab in a hurry, to taste

Crack an egg from every carton you acquire and declare, "It was mine first, see I broke this egg, it's mine!" Lick the outside of the flour bag and the baking soda can in front of anyone else who would have thought about taking them from you. Hide anything else you can grab in a hurry down your pants, just in case anyone else might try to grab it. Alternately, stake out a Tostitos® display behind which to hide anything else you can grab. Combine.

Not only have you now made the perfect waffle batter, but you have also ensured that you and your family will enjoy The Best Christmas Ever. Revel in the satisfaction that you have made everyone's dreams come true, overcook your waffles, and enjoy. For the perfect waffle, store your waffle iron in a place where you will never find it or use it again. Enjoy!