Thursday, July 7, 2011

america's favorite past time: overeating

There is a cult following for many foods, from the obscure to the ubiquitous. My cult celebrates our enjoyment for its foods on July 4th, US Independence Day. This is a day devoted to the appreciation of American foods without any complications or arguments about what constitutes "American." On this day the themes are specific and narrow: protein with pastry (hamburger, hot dog and corn dog), frozen dessert (popsicle, ice cream, shaved ice), salad featuring mayonaise and/or mustard (potato salad, macaroni salad), condiment (catsup, yellow mustard, mayonaise), fruit (watermelon) and vegetable (corn-on-the-cob). Other categories of dessert vary by region.

My day started at the community festival in the park.

I celebrated quite well on the 4th this year by starting early. Ate two bacon-wrapped hot dogs covered in grilled onions and peppers at 10:30 in the morning. These were huge hot dogs, so I had to use a method to get through them. I call this method the "Stuff it like Sanchez Method." While the result is speed, the desired outcome is large amounts consumed. The idea is that you pack it in quickly before you feel the discomfort of fullness, and there may indeed be nothing more American than that! Be focused; set a goal or better yet, start a timer. It will take your body 10-15 minutes to register that you have eaten too much, so set a timer at around 9 minutes tops, but to perfect this method challenge yourself to a 5-minute goal. I finished these very large, bacon-wrapped dogs, piled high with condiments in about four minutes.
Shortly after, I had an impossibly sweet 32oz. lemonade. I listened to a band play Souza marches intermingled with Lady Gaga's Pokerface and themes from George Lucas films. I imagined myself suddenly becoming so obese as to need an electric scooter to get from the Tea Party booth to the Park Manor Rehab balloon stand. I imagined having to keep track of a half dozen children who each want one of the six dozen distractions. I imagined being very old. I became the crowd.

After a long nap I had a huge burger with American cheese. I drank lots of beer until I could no longer stand. It was a great day.

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