Wednesday, July 13, 2011

sanchez star system

I will begin employing a three-star rating system for everything. Whether I have dinner at your house, get Afghani cuisine off a truck or microwave some Hot Pockets®, you can refer to this simple, easy-to follow guide. If you have a food, recipe, restaurant, food publication, celebrity chef or other food-related item you would like to have rated, please comment or e-mail

One Star

This blows. Not only do I hate it, but I'm sure you will too. Root canals and Miley Cyrus concerts are preferable to one-star rated items. After assigning a one-star rating, I will think to myself, "Sanchez, why in the hell did you put that in your mouth?" or, "how completely wasted were you?" One star will not apply to items that do not match my taste level, rather it will apply to something universally bad. So for instance, being robbed by a hooker could be considered a one-star situation whereas belut, the fertilized duck egg popular in parts of Asia (from which I have almost vomited), would not qualify for one star since, well, someone likes it. Most of the one-star foods that come to mind came out of my own kitchen, though I'm not usually cruel enough to share these regrettable creations with anyone.

Two Stars

This offends me. It's not that I won't try it again, or even a lot, but my feeling about a two-star item is that there is something offensive about its existence. The perfect example of a two-star food is the frozen microwavable taquito. I'll be goddamned if I don't keep coming back to this item time and time again, but its irresistibility combined with its overall badness makes it offensive. (You can elevate the frozen microwavable taquito to three stars by preparing it in a deep frier, though this is true of most two-star foods.) Fast-food chains categorically qualify as two-star affairs as do hospital cafeterias, places where children are openly welcomed and establishments that do not serve alcohol. My appreciation for all things two-star should be shining through to you if you read this blog.

Three Stars

This does not offend me. The highest praise I can give, three stars mean that I can't find anything about this item that offends me. An otherwise delicious sandwich, grilled in butter with sourdough, cheese and sausage is not offensive unless you try to call it The New American Grilled Cheese. The proper application of butter or mayonaise can be the difference between two- and three-star ratings. Since, however, I am easily offended, three-star ratings are very rare.


I will also assign stars for relevant categories which may or may not apply in all circumstances. The most important categories are as follows:

Service: was your waiter sober, drunk or trashed (two, three and one star, respectively)?
Appearance: Did your frozen microwave burrito explode, stay intact, or thaw unevenly (two, three and one star, respectively)?
Tastiness: Did your hot dog taste like something, nothing or like shoe leather (Three, two and one star, respectively)?
Condiments: Did the restaurant provide only salt and pepper, many condiments by request, or have a full-on 60-item condiment buffet (one, two and three stars, respectively)?

Do yourself a favor and test out the S.S.S. tonight at dinner. You will see just how many offensive things litter otherwise enjoyable meals. Good luck!

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