Thursday, November 29, 2012

dear sanchez


Finally, I have an opportunity to answer your letters. Thanks for the submissions, keep them coming! A quick update: Michael dragged me to his family Thanksgiving. It didn't offend me and we got to make pie. Michael's dad picked a fight with me about politics, and I had to shut down the conversation by screaming, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO VOTE FOR A MAN WHO DOESN'T DRINK!?"

-S.L.S.

Dear Sanchez:
How do I get to enjoy holiday parties, drink, eat and be merry without gaining weight?
Packs On Pounds

Here are a few options for you, POP:

Instead of a toothbrush or a finger. 
How about the ultimate party room: Classical Roman-style vomitorium? I'll admit that it is a myth that Romans actually had a room where they would barf simply to be able to go on eating and drinking, but like most things Roman, it's the myths we recall. So hang out with your wang out (of your toga)! Party like it's C.E. 99! Simply line your bathtub with a heavy-duty plastic covering or tarpaulin. For a festive touch, provide candy canes as gag-stimulators. Word to the wise: consider how anything you serve will look in the vomitorium. You may want to avoid seven-layer dip. Hire your neighbor's kid to clean it up.

Jonny Moocher
Option 2: Eat smaller portions and drink responsi.... I can't even finish that sentence without barfing. Let's say that option two is to start hooking up with people who like really fat people (they're called chubby chasers or chasers for short, in case you were curious, POP) and give up trying to maintain your weight. The holiday season is figuratively Christmas for chasers, since everyone gets just a little bloated from excess. Get into it!

Option three is inspired by Michael, who is famously cheap. Instead of buying groceries or spending money on food, Michael subsists on PBRs and tap-water, eating only when he's invited to parties. You should see him clean out a guacamole bowl, even I find it impressive. So the other option is to basically starve yourself and only eat when you attend parties. Michael seems to think it saves money, but it's costing him friends who notice that he doesn't bring wine or anything to share. So don't forget to bring something. I recommend a jello mold.

Hi Sanchez,
What is the best way to disinvite someone from a party?
Cornered And Forced To Invite a Douche

Thanks for letting me tackle your etiquette question, CAFTID. Usually Michael answers these, but I'm guessing I'll have better advice for you. I have to first advise you that you are not the brightest bulb in the box since you have already invited this person. I would really rather be answering the question "how do I avoid stupidly giving out an invitation to someone I don't want at my party." That's easy: just say no.

Given that you have already made a terrible mistake, it's important to determine exactly why you don't want this person at your party. Do you hate this person's guts and pretend to be their friend in person? Will their presence cause an awkward social situation, like getting two exes together? Or do they simply, literally stink. There's no one way to disinvite someone, each situation has it's own nuance, but here are some simple guidelines:

"How rude!"
1) Don't be nice. Nice is what got you into this mess. Be mean, and don't be afraid to go for the jugular. Avoid racial slurs, but bombs away with character assassination. In the case of avoiding awkward social situations, just put it out there, "Yeah, Dad, I don't think you should come to Christmas since you totally boned my mother-in-law and she's going to be there."

2) Make excuses. "My studio can't fit more than four people at a time, I'm so sorry." "I'm so daft, I miscounted and only ordered enough catering for 250 people and unfortunately you're number 251, next time, hun?" "Oh, didn't you hear? We had the cancel the party because my dog got crabs." "I just can't help that the elevator capacity is too low for you to ride up." As with any good lying, cover your tracks and make sure no one gives you away on Facebook.

3) Have someone else break the news. Find a naturally aggressive friend who loves the look of disappointment on peoples' faces. If you don't have such a friend, try to find someone willing to file a restraining order on your unwanted invitee, or invite someone who already has a restraining order against them. This is a perfect situation because you don't end up looking like a total dick.

4) Move the party. A last-minute change in venue can work, however you mustn't let anyone find out until the last minute. This is a risky move, especially if the object of your avoidance is getting a ride with other guests. In that case, you'll have to sacrifice those other guests, too.

5) Cancel. Start over, and don't make the same mistake again, CAFID!


Submit your food and drink related questions to Sanchez (thesanchezlsanchez@gmail.com) and all of your modern etiquette questions to Michael (espinozma@gmail.com).

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