Showing posts with label lactards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lactards. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sorry Michael, the food in your home town SUCKS!

photo credit: forclosurelistings.com

I am first and foremost grateful for you inviting me to your home town. It's nice! Pretty, at least until you go very far in any direction, starting from any place. He and I did have a very good time at a wine bar here. Oh, wait, Michael is flagging me down, excuse me for a moment...
...Michael tells me that that wine bar, Swirl, was indeed not in Colorado Springs, but rather in an adjoining town called Manitou Springs. God, that town was FUN! And the food looked good, although Michael never took us there to eat any of it. We watched the bartender bring his own food from the joint across the street (The Keg Lounge, 730 Manitou Ave.). Anyway, we were full.

So we were full, but from questionable sources. I have no nose in the air, I'll eat anything for a dollar: put it in front of me and offer me a dollar, you'll be out a dollar. Michael took me and his friend Finneus, whose birthday it was, to a very crowded joint called José Muldoon's, a sort of Irish pub with Mexican food. We thought it could be good because they served a happy hour until 7. So I had to fight a pretty girl for a table at the bar, otherwise the wait would have been 20 minutes. She asked me if I was even going to watch the "Bulls" game, which was apparently on the TV in the bar, with an overwhelming sense of entitlement. At first, I pretended not to understand her, and then I became suddenly annoyed, "I'm sorry, but I was here first. No, don't go away. You see my friend here?" I indicated Michael, who was recently robbed and assaulted with a face to match, "Yeah. He was a victim of a violent robbery. Oh, and Finneus here? It's his birthday. We shit on the Bulls. Bull shit." I guess her pretty girl thing works some or maybe most of the time, but not here. I'm too hungry. But I digress. $2.50 margaritas and $.99 tacos. You would too. Word to the wise, though, they'll always be able to make you a bean taco no matter what they offer you in a busy bar. Mystery meat may not be a risk or an ethical dilemma, but it also might not taste good, so I wouldn't take the risk. I had three, they both had four, a side of guac was $8, almost doubling our tab. I respect the pricing for its deceptiveness, and since it was crowded on a Tuesday night, there are only two possibilities: locals have no taste or locals know better. If you see me in person, I'll let you know which I think. The guacamole had too much green onion and not enough salt and was served in a four or five ounce portion. I would be happy to spend $4 on that much sub-par guac, but otherwise it was disappointing. After we decided the margaritas were more sour mix than anything else, we switched to Negro Modelo on tap. We all ate too many tacos and left disappointed.

Michael says he's also been taken on dates here to Denny's, Village Inn and Wendy's (I suspect all in the same day). Use your own judgement to evaluate that.

I will say that I noticed that the Indian buffet Finneus took us to on Monday for lunch was decent. The only two dishes which contained meat contained only chicken, and everything else tasted better (the chicken tikka masala tasted a bit half-hearted). They spontaneously refilled our naan with fresh naan without having to stand up or ask. It's great Indian, flavor forward, keeping the options simple, so far away from where I live. Know you should go to this one place if you go to Colorado Springs: Mirch Masala, 5945 N Academy Blvd., corner of Union and Academy. But seriously, it's new and it depressed me because it it was in one of the most massive mostly-empty strip malls in Colorado Springs. Otherwise, it was surrounded by chain restaurants.

It's a wonder Michael even eats at all, since his flavor background started here. But I can understand now completely how he drinks the way he does.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Tofutti: Cursed with more than a dumb name

Michael, the other contributor to this blog, is hilariously disabled from processing dairy. God knows he tries but you don't want to stick around after his last bite of that cheese sandwich. I make fun of him mercilessly since he has to ask for "no cheese" when I'm drunk enough to agree to go out to eat with him. It's embarrassing.

In any case, his dietary disability also exposes him to really gross dairy substitutes. He puts clearance soy milk on his cereal and stocks margarine in his fridge. Margarine. I only bring it up today because he made me tacos. Simple bean-rice-egg tacos. Of course I had cooked the beans perfectly earlier this week and his assembly as you can see was a little Holly Hobby, but there was nothing wrong with his tacos. I'm still full.

Unfortunately Michael forgot to specify that he had purchased a sour cream substitute. Please don't get me wrong, soy products are really great when they're great, but very poor when they're poor. The Tofutti company of Australia has decided to sell Michael a soy product which demonstrates the limited, almost destructive abilities of the soy bean. I generously applied the white substance which I believed (for good reason) was the real thing. The industrial cooks who invented this product got the texture just right, but upon first bite it became clear that they gave up before any of them considered the taste. Sour Cardboard.


Will I let Michael dupe me into another food replacement meal? Probably. I'm a little too hungry to say no.